Ask Patches is a tongue-in-cheek series where pets ask questions and get these quirky answers from Patches. The information is for entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be taken to heart.
Murky waters
Dear Patches,
I live in a huge tank with two other fish. We are generally happy and well fed. But we struggle to see each other and can’t see outside the tank either. We are scared, as we don’t know what is hiding in or out of the murky water of our dirty fish tank.
The other day, we were swimming around the tank, all minding our own business, when a big shadow fell over us. We got the fright of our lives. If the water had been clearer, we would have known that it was only our owner trying to feed us. What should we do?
Lost Lucy
Patches: Oh dear – it sounds like your tank needs a major deep-cleaning session. When last did your owner change the water? Does he have the required filters in the water, and does he clear your poo from it? Another reason could be that he’s overfeeding you, and then the leftover food makes the water murky. Try to finish all the food within five minutes.
Ask your owner to clean the tank, water and filters. And to only feed you what you can eat in that amount of time.
If all else fails, you’ll have to put the writing on the wall – write ‘Wash me pls’ with your tailfins on the side of the tank.
Hostile takeover
Dear Patches,
It is that time of the year again when my two cat brothers and I vie for position in front of the heater. It happens every night during the winter and I’ve had enough now. My mom places my doggy bed and the cats’ beds in the perfect spot, so that we can all be warm. But then the two monster cats, Lilo and Snitch, move in for the takeover. One of them rubs up against me, pretending to love me, while the other one does something to distract me.
The moment I move to investigate what is going on, the two cat monsters take over my bed. Mom says I’m a softy and should stand my ground, but I’m just scared of their needle-sharp claws! What can I do?
Distracted Dexter
Patches: Dexter, the answer to your question is actually very simple: don’t allow anyone to lure you out of your cosy bed. Don’t fall for their deceitful actions. Pretend that you can’t see them – sleep if you must – but don’t get distracted. Curiosity seems to be your downfall here.
And, if they are really that intimidating, go and sleep in one of their beds.
